I am realizing that I have actually never had my heart broken. Now, however i know what it feels like and i understand all the reasons why it’s called heart break. It feels as though a brick has been replaced where my heart should be. Its a heavy weight that I bring with me everywhere i go. I just want to sleep, and that helps only until i wake up to the pain patiently waiting for me again. They say everyone has to have their heartbroken at least once in their life. To teach us the valuable lesson of protecting yourself and growing an extra layer of skin. I guess I wasn’t ready to accept it. A little tiny piece of myself has died. I know that one day I will eventually move on from this but right now where I am standing it feels impossible. I have spent so many tears wasted on a situation i was never going to be able to change. And it made me crazy. I guess the saying really is true, love makes you do crazy things. Right now it hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt before because this i am feeling with every inch of my body and heart. But i know with time all wounds will heal. This I have no choice but to trust.

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butterfly_flying_to_the_sun_by_valhallacarajo.jpg

I am am a butterfly
Only that I don’t fly
I undergo metamorphosis
Under constant change and transformation
I grow day in day out
I was an egg
Then a boy,
Crawling like a caterpillar
I turned a butterfly
And beautified with lines
And phrases of poetry
I am a butterfly that can’t fly.
Change inevitable butterfly

-written by: Kirui Frank Junior

 

 

Kristin

Her name was Kristin and she wasn’t your typical kind of stripper in the beginning.

A rough looking brunette with a good-paying job, she lived in a nice apartment and seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. But through all of her “perfect life”, something was always missing. Maybe it was her taste for the rough and tough image, she longed to be cool or maybe it was just the fact she wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere.

Like me.

So it wasn’t surprising that we gravitated towards each other.

I met kristin in the dumpiest of dive bars. She showed me the ropes so to speak; taught me the stage and Introduced me to new people, even if some of these people weren’t exactly the right sort of crowd to run with. I didn’t realize it at first until I started to watch her come undone.

First, it was her job that she no longer felt the need to show up for, then it was the rent money she used to pay for blow instead. Soon she was homeless and was a full time stripper at the dirty buck.

I saw it before anyone else did but in a way I felt powerless to do anything. I finally had an ally in the seedy sex industry and i didn’t want to lose that, not to mention, i was a mess myself. And when it came to kristin, no one told her no.

But then she started to drag me into her downward vortex.

The first incident happened after she started partying with our friend the DJ from the dirty buck. We drove to his place after a night out of playing pool but even he started noticing her ways. He pulled me aside and told me to stay and let her leave but it didn’t feel right. So without my license and admittedly in no state to drive her car, i decided to take her home. On the highway she asked me if it was okay if she took a hit and did coke off the back of a CD case, the entire time my hands white knuckled on the steering wheel.

After that it was time after time, kristin began making bad decisions. She started sleeping with the owner of the Buck, as was most of the strippers back then. He made my skin crawl.

Krisin had convinced me to go back to his mansion one night where once again she got too drunk to function and passed out in his bed. By this time in their so called relationship he wanted her gone. Everytime we tried to wake her, she would stubbornly roll over and say she wasnt leaving. He told me the only way we could all stay over was if we all “shared his bed’ that night. I dialed the Djs number soon after that to come get me.

I began to pull away from Kristin, it wasnt necessarily hard as she was couch surfing through some of her customers and partied every other night that i didn’t see her much. When i finally got the courage to leave the buck, i found myself at another dumpy strip club, the mate. It was in a bad part of town but at least this time i could start over without her tied to me like an anchor.

When she learned of where i was working, she decided to come surprise me. In the worst way possible.

By now she had moved on from the owner of the club to the dirties biker she could find. His names was Jamie, the scum of the food chain. He was married to a giant of a woman who looked like she could eat me alive. The best part? She had a rep for fighting dancers. To me it seemed Kristin had a death wish.

The day she walked into the mate, my heart sank. She wasnt alone. She had brought Jamie.

I plastered a fake smile on my face and sat down with them for a few drinks. When she asked me if i would come with them to a party, i tried my best to politely decline.

“I cant leave now, i havent done my four hours,” i lied. She got up from the table and walked into the DJ booth in pure Kristin fashion and more or less told thé DJ i was leaving. The DJ announced to her that i could leave anytime.

“Lets go! You’re going to have so much fun.” She promised and once again i found myself trapped by Kristin. I didn’t have much of a backbone back then…

Jamie was happier than a pig in shit which worried me. I always tried to give him a wide berth when i was working but he always found ways of being near me.

After we all got into his car and he started to drive, Kristin turned up the music and drapped herself all over him. It didn’t take long before she unzipped his jeans and began to give him head in the front seat. I turned my face away. Jamie reached beind him and trailed his hand along my tigh. I pushed myself as close to the door as i could while tucking my legs underneath me in an effort to be out of his reach.

We drove, what seemed like agonizing hours for me, until we were out of the city and onto a dark road. I had no idea where we were and whenever i asked, Kristin would always Reply, “you’ll see.”

Then when we arrived, Jamie declared we were at the Clubhouse. The clubhouse was owned by a popular biker gang i need not explain.

It was exactly what you would assume a biker run clubhouse to look like. rough around the edges with 24 hour camera surveillanc, gates and a watchman in the house. A giant flat screen TV in the living room monitired all outside commontion.

Inside the clubhouse there were rows upon rows of long tables where i guessed they had their meetings. A bar was set up in one corner and in the other a stripper poll. Kristin danced her way towards the pool tables challenging Jamie to a game. Besides us, the only other person there was the watchman. He offered me a drink and i sat down at one of the tables, still unbelieving where I was.

The night went without trouble, kristin stripped down to her underwear and made out with jamie on one of the pool tables while i awkwardly sipped my drink and made small talk with the gaurd.

After we left, jamie dropped Kristin off first and told her he would drive me home. Before i could protest Kristin decided that was a good idea, she was too smashed and needed to go to bed. I winced as she waved goodbye to me and closed the door shut, leaving me sitting in the passenger seat alone with Jamie. After he drove for a bit he pulled over on the side of the road and once again i pushed myself up against the door as close as i could. He reached over and rubbed my arm, complimenting me and i just smiled in return.

Looking rough myself, circa stripper days.

“Its late, im really tired jamie, i have to go home.” I said.

“I understand. Why dont you just give me a quick kiss?”

I stared back at him, trying to hide my disgust. His long unruly beard covered his mouth where some of his teeth were missing. Now that I was this close to him he smelled like cigarettes and scum.

” I cant do that to Kristin.”

“She doesnt mind.” He replied.

In an effort to talk my way out of him trying to get me to lay down in the grass with him, i managed to make it seem like i was waiting for a better opportunity for us to be together. I was scared but my innocent girl image actually saved me. He agreed and told me i was too nice a girl for that.

Now

When i got home, i took a good look at myself in the mirror and made myself a promise to never get invovled with kristin again. It wasnt until after i cut her out of my life that i heard through the grapevine she was spreading rumors that my father raped me, that i was a closet slut and i thought i was too good for everyone. Not only this but i learned she had been stealing from me when ever she came over.

I guess that was just the price i had to pay.

Sometimes i think I will die of a broken heart. It’s a pain so great its like a brick has been placed where my heart should be. I swore to myself that love was something i would never fall for but now here i am. Love sick but alone, like my whole world is shattering to pieces slowly in front of me. I wake every morning hoping the pain will hurt a little less but it doesn’t. Its still as heavy as it was yesterday. I know this is no good for me, I should be able to walk away but i just cant bring myself to and that is whats scares me. I’m heart broken and it hasnt even happened yet.

I wish you knew that everyday you cross my mind.

At first it was painful but I learned to let the feelings wash over me because the more I suppress them, the more it hurts.

I don’t really know when we will be okay… if ever. I think we have hurt each other so much that we can’t go back, instead we just have to start over. But what I fear is that we don’t know how to.

I’m scared one day it’s going to be too late. I messed up but not only did I but you did too. I’m waiting for you to accept that and move forward. But it seems like waiting for rain in a drought is more promising.

I wish you knew that I love you the same as I did back then. That when you promised me nothing would ever change between us, that I believed it wholeheartedly. That I clung to that thought so long, it kept me above water. Now I can only hope that you will remember again what you told me.

Because I can longer tread in this sea of regret.

s.e.x

Sex has always been such an important part of a relationship for me. In fact, under laughter it’s probably #2. Followed by love, trust, loyalty, blah, blah all that jazz.

Not only just for the most obvious reason but because it’s such an honest part of being with someone. Its the closest you can possibly be together, you’re giving the most vulnerable part of yourself for emotional and physical pleasure. And for that, I love sex and everything about it.

I was never shy to admit that I masturbate often (every week, every other day, you know I’m not really keeping track). At work I would admit this to any customer who would listen. I was never afraid of talking about sex, even in my teenage years among my friends, I welcomed the topic with my clients. When I would sit with a customer in the club it came easy to ask them about sex just like a regular topic. But then again, sitting in a strip club among everything sex, talking about it just made sense. And I loved that.

Not surprisingly all were willing to share their thoughts and I’m pretty sure, I’ve heard it all.

The thing I think about society is that women are suppose to be hush-hush about it. We can’t parade our sex lives around like some men do because if we did, we are labelled with those ugly words like; slut, whore, skank. And it’s a shame it has to be that way because a lot of women are dying to openly talk about it but are just too afraid to. But what if we did? Maybe it could change the way sex is viewed, it may normalize sex. It’s not so taboo, if a woman can take control of her own sex life, why should she be looked at differently while a man may be able to do so without shame. In fact, he’s applauded.

For someone who was always so intrigued by sex, I was introduced to porn at a really young age. My father would fall asleep on the couch to some video left playing on the TV. I would huddle in the corner of our living room, completely unaware of what I was watching all I knew was that it made me feel…different.

I drew pictures (to my step mothers horror) looked at books, fantasized and the irony of it all was I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18.

One of the girls i worked with had the most exciting sex life of anyone i knew. She had sex, to me it seemed almost every day ( with different partners even). She decided to escort and her reason? “I loved sex so much that I thought, why not make some money off it?” She would text me to say she was in a bad mood because she hadn’t gotten her daily lay yet. She didn’t care what me or other people would say because well, she was happy and it was what she wanted.

If a woman knows what she’s doing and she’s doing it for herself it shouldn’t make her any less respected. Its actually empowering. That was something I felt strongly about when I was dancing, and still do. Stripping didn’t change the way I saw sex, it only allowed me to feel comfortable to embrace my own sexuality because there was no limit you could talk about. In some ways maybe it even helped me to understand it better.

Full circle

Sometimes I’ll catch myself driving by the old club where I worked and for a moment think about stopping in.

I still never do…

The day I “quit” I didn’t tell anyone of my decision, it was in the spur of the moment where I was just so “done” with everything that it was that very feeling that kept me from going back. I just kind of disappeared.

I don’t know exactly what’s stopping Me, I mean, I don’t need to go back, I have a full time job. I’m sure many of the faces there are still the same AND maybe even I’d be welcomed with open arms. But would something about returning have a satisfying, full circle feel? That I chose to be there, I didnt HAVE to be there.

Since hanging up my “dancing shoes” I have been to a strip club only for fun but never my “home” club, I avoid it like the plague.

Maybe its the thought that I left a part of myself behind and if I returned, it would be as though I’m stepping backwards. I don’t want to feel that way again, to look at those struggles again.

Me, circa 6 years ago at the club.

But I’m not, thats the thing, in everything, we are constantly growing. And I am a different person than who I was back then.

Stripping allowed me to find myself my own way. Although a lot of the time that I describe dancing I have a heavy cloud that hangs over my words but in truth, I owe it a lot.

Me, circa now

It taught me life lessons that I doubt many people could learn from behind a desk. For a shy, homely girl learning how to talk to people and being forced out of my comfort zone helped me discover confidence and how to look out for myself. And although its so frowned upon, my whole view of the sex industry has changed since I was a dancer.

It opened my eyes to the things we sometimes need do to survive and I can respect that.

18, & when I first started dancing

The relationships I formed from it are some of the best things in my life.

I have a good job that I’ve been working for 7 years now including experience that can open doors for me. I met my boyfriend as a DJ at the club whom we both helped each other to move on from. I formed a solid, life long friendship with one of my best friends. I bought my first car as a dancer, a sports car that I used to drool over as a kid and took a part time course in college. I left a bad situation at home, and stripping was what kept me from being forced to go back.

Maybe I will stop in someday…but not as the person i was, but instead to see how far I have come.

Full circle.