He always acted like I was just there; no real reason except to have me around to satisfy his need for sex, supply him money and sit quietly. At least that’s how it felt sitting in the car beside him that day.
Ken, my then boyfriend and first love, had the phone in his hand while he drove. It irked me to no end, why couldn’t he just for the love of God put the damn thing down? I was practically convinced it was glued to his hand because it didn’t matter what we were doing, he was on it.
I edged my way closer in the seat pretending to stretch my arms but instead i peaked over his shoulder to see just who was important enough to risk our lives over.
There it was on messenger, Emmy at the top followed by kens reply, “you want me to fuck you?”
I lost it. I lunged for the phone seeing only red but he reacted in record time, yanking the phone away from me and turning the car off the street into a gas station where he parked.
“Are you fucking crazy!?” he yelled, ” What are you doing Ashley?”
“I knew you were cheating on me! I knew it! Let me out of this damn car!”
I flung the door open, struggling with my purse and slammed the car door with as much might as my 5’3 self could muster.
“Ashley! Don’t you walk away from me!” Ken yelled getting out of the car as well. “Its not at all what you think. We are just texting, joking around, I would never do that to you. What about when you go to the club and flirt with all those men, I don’t say a word about that.” It was always his argument. He secretly hated the fact I danced and constantly made sure I knew I was amounting to nothing.
His crafty way of somehow always making me feel insane did the trick as always and i believed his lie. I was also blinded by love.
But the suspicion remained in the back of my head and all my friends told me I should leave. So one night i dared to steal a glance into his precious phone. I had to know.
He was asleep but I had made sure to stay awake and it felt like a painfully long time until i was sure he was out cold. Sliding out of bed, I tiptoed to his bedside table where there his sacred device lay charging. Like a thief I took it off the table, my heart was admittedly racing until I got into the bathroom.
I knew the password already as i had managed to grab a glimpse of him putting it in time after time. Without hesitation i skipped to his messages. And there it all was… The girls, the lies, the games. And that girl Emmy was a strong player. I crumpled to the floor in tears. Why had i been so naive and stupid to believe i was enough for him… The serial cheater.
I stood up and in a rage i flew into his bedroom, turning every light on in the damn place.
“You Fucking liar!” I yelled and as if someone had attacked him, Ken jumped out of bed and went straight for the missing cell. That’s when I saw everything register on his face.
By then I couldn’t hold it in, I was bawling.
Like most things in my life I don’t cry gracefully, i heave and gasp for air like its my last breath and it drains my body of all it’s energy. I hardly fought him off as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into bed.
When i woke the next morning, red eyed and puffy, i was emotionally done, done with the lies, the wondering, the money he took and the way he put me down for just being who I was.
I could hardly look at him while i packed up my stuff. He paced while begging me to forgive him but it ended up just being noise to me, a fly that was caught in a sticky trap and was beating his wings annoyingly loud to be freed.
I left him that day. It was the first time i ever had a taste of heartbreak.